Turning Cold Emails in My Spam Folder Good

I decided to dig through my spam folder and go through 2 cold emails I got and make them good.

Here they are, what’s wrong with them, and how I would fix them to turn them into banging scripts that could book sales calls:

Email 1:

Areas for Improvement:

• Not using first name makes this seem super weird / robotic. never just use “Hi” without putting somebody’s full name.

• "… wanted to see if you have any interest in SalesCloser" → they haven't even told me what SalesCloser is yet?

  • For something like this makes sure you read it out loud before getting campaigns fully launched. Oftentimes something that sounds good when you write it doesn’t sound good when you speak it.

• CTA at the end is fine but i don't even really know what I'm getting if I say yes.

  • What does the 3 minute video show me?

  • What potential benefits would I get from checking out this 3 minute video?

• Need something quantitative - "more easily and scalibly" isn't enough for me to care

  • Always use as many numbers, percentages, or quantifiable figures as you can.

  • “More”, “better” or “less” doesn’t do anything for me. Too fluffy

Revised Script:

• "Ryan,

  Being the founder at Breakout are you still taking all of your sales calls yourself?

  We just made a tool to help founder-led sales teams close 15% higher and manage their CRM easier.

  No need for a call just yet - but mind if I flip a quick video over?"

Email 2:

Areas for Improvement:

• This is actually a pretty good start

• 2 things that I hate using in sales copy:

  • "Imagine…." → I do not want to imagine. This is not fairy land. This is B2B selling.

  • Using your company name in the 3rd person "PitchIt doesn't just automate…" → I always think of used car salesman type of selling when I hear this and it makes your copy come off very robotic

  • it is so much better to just say “we” or “our team”

• This email is 6-7 lines and I don't even fully understand what this company does

  • They're a no-code platform that qualifies leads? They book meetings? How? Through what channel?

  • You should always read your stuff out loud before lunching a campaign and make sure you can answer yes to the question

    • “Could somebody understand how this could be valuable to them and their company in under 3 seconds?”

    • If no, need to re-work copy to get that point across

Revised Script:

• "Hi Ryan,

  Going to go out on a limb and guess that lead qualification isn't the highlight of your day.

  We just built a tool for founders like you that automatically scores your leads coldest-to-hottest - so you know exactly who to prospect in your pipeline first.

  Does this sound like something that could be helpful for your sales team before Q2?

  P.S. we integrate into any sequencer, or CRM you use like a glove :)"

If you got any sort of value from this, lmk if you’d like to see this turn into a series.

Cheers,

Ryan

P.S. i have a video walking through these same examples + more in video form. give it a look if you want more in depth / better explanations